Breathe deep. This will be one long (and overdue) blog entry...
The last few weeks have continued and even heightened my persistent struggle against feeling ineffectual and aimless here. To be honest, this experience has proven very different from my expectations when I excitedly stared out my plane window on September 3rd. For many known and unknown reasons, class sizes for English were smaller this year and remarkably inconsistent. The ages, language abilities, and genders of students in all my classes except for my one Moroccan friend in conversation class didn't allow for building relationships outside of class. I have wrestled with God a lot, questioning the process of making the decision to come here, and demanding an answer to why He led me here. Hours of thought have been devoted to conjuring up various possibilities.
Maybe I came to understand people's needs here and pray for them. Perhaps I was led here to spend lots of uninterrupted time alone with God every morning up in my room. Maybe God brought me here to help me discern if the life of an international missionary is a life I could ever live in the future. Maybe I needed to learn how to "do" Arab/Muslim/inner city/international ministry. Perhaps I came to learn how to survive in a foreign country, or maybe it was important for me to refine my cooking skills.
Whatever the reason(s), I've come to some confident conclusions in the midst of these ponderings. First, God has taught me that childlike trust in Him and His leadership is more fulfilling than answering the persistent question why. Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever (Psalm 125:1). My confidence and strength are born in obeying and trusting in our steadfast Lord more than understanding all the answers.
Second, God has painfully crushed my tendency of finding my identity in work. I am separate from what I do. I am separate from what I produce. I am God's. Work is necessary and important. However, my identity is first in the idea of belonging to Him, of whose I am, instead of my attachment to people, titles, programs, and results. But now, this is what the LORD says— he who created you..."Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine" (Isaiah 43:1).
Third, I've learned what it means to survive not by bread alone, but by every word of God. A favorite verse of many and for good reason, Philippians 4:6 has been ever present on my mind for the last few months. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Although some days it has been a forceful act of the will to do so, I have thanked God every morning for this place and this experience. My time here has not been bad, but certainly challenging and faith-producing. After giving thanks, I have presented many requests to God for the people in the Arab Church, for Janee and Hary, for myself, and for my students. God answered some of these prayers and responded to my cry to verbally share about Him with a yes this week.
Tuesday before my Level 2 English class, I spent some time talking to an older Muslim male student about Eid al-Adha, the "Festival of Sacrifice" that was to begin Friday. This holiday commemorates Abraham's willingness to sacrifice his son Isaac as an act of obedience to God. Muslims celebrate by sacrificing a lamb and sharing the food with family, friends, and the poor, feasting for the following three days. My student, "B," was happy to share about the feast, and I was happy to learn. Our conversation led to me introducing him to the idea of Jesus as our sacrificial lamb who took away the sins of the world. Because many Muslims love to talk about religion, English class was gladly postponed, and the next hour and a half, Hary, myself, "B," and another Turkish Muslim student preceded to talk about Christianity and Islam. Having experienced multitudes of these types of conversations, Hary posed many good questions to these students about truths they claim in Islam but have not yet critically evaluated.
Class ended with these three men still talking and debating downstairs, while I began conversation class upstairs with my female Moroccan Muslim friend, "Y," and a new student, a female Christian Iraqi refugee who is an old friend of Hary's. Our conversation in this class proved just as interesting as we jumped from the political situation in Iraq to the situation of Muslim women around the world, from this Iraqi woman's experience hiding under tables while bomb sirens rang out into the night in war-torn Baghdad, to Christianity's call to treat others with grace because of God's grace towards us. I ended the night elated, so thankful that God had provided opportunities to speak candidly about who He is and what He has done with these students that I have genuinely come to know and love.
I have been praying that my conversations with "Y" about Christianity would become more personal rather than informational, and in a quick and obvious answer to my prayer, Thursday's conversation class was filled with such conversation. I was able to ask more about this woman's family, what would happen if she became a Christian, and the idea that in contrast to inheriting religion in Islam through your family, in Christianity, faith begins when we choose to believe what Jesus has done for us and commit to a life of following Him. Please pray for that conversation with "Y" to be continued, and even more personally next class or when we spend time together on Sunday. "Y" is very interested in diversity, tolerance, and understanding other religions. Because of this and a desire to meet Arab Christians, she wants to come to the Arab Church with me next Sunday. Pray that she would come, and that her general curiosity would develop into a personal one that leads her to investigate Jesus for herself.
God has met and answered me in remarkably obvious ways this week, and I am so thankful! The hours of studying Islam, Arabic culture, and French seem well worth it. Please continue to pray for courage, hope, joy, and peace for me in these last three weeks in Brussels. Please also pray for these students as they begin to wrestle with Jesus, and that this wrestling would lead to one day knowing them as Christian brothers and sisters.
When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted. Psalm 138:3
I am experiencing similar lessons in finding my identity solely in Christ and not in my work or what I do. It's a hard thing to be broken of but I am so thankful that among the many other things, God has chosen this time to teach you such meaningful lessons :)
ReplyDeleteI can't believe you only have 3 weeks left! It's so amazing now as you are wrapping up, and for months after you come home, God is going to show you the countless things He taught you and the immeasurable ways He used you for His glory, and some may never been seen as well. How great is God that He can use you in so many ways that you may never even know! :)