What is Better

Another week has passed here in Brussels, and with it, winter has arrived! I begrudgingly donned my winter coat for the first time tonight, but am thankful that the cold rain that characterizes Brussels has kept its distance so far. The beginning of this week has been more of a struggle for me than others. With neither a good grasp of French nor a strong competency in Arab culture, I've wrestled a lot with a strong feeling of uselessness. Have you ever felt this way?

If you have, you know it is an effort to convince yourself that you are NOT purposeless, NOT aimless, NOT disposable, and NOT just a "bump on a log," as my mom would say. You know Jesus' hint that those who are trusted with very little can be trusted with much seems easier said than done (Lk 16:10). This feeling isn't completely unfamiliar to me, but being in a place far from friends and family and living here solely by the gifts of others seems to magnify it. I was not commissioned to be useless. God knew what I needed, and gave me a reprieve from the drag of this feeling on Saturday in the form of slapping together hundreds of cheese sandwiches and ladling bowls of hot soup. The Arab church serves with a local organization called Tabitha Ministries once every five weeks to make and serve dinner to hundreds of homeless women, men, and children in Brussels. Nothing will make you feel useful like being part of a concerted effort to feed over 200 people on a cold night. I watched the piles of sandwiches grow as we worked in the kitchen, and later that night I watched them enter the mouths of the city's hungry and poor. It was the definition of seeing a tangible result of your work, and selfishly, it felt great.

There are many moments from Saturday night that I wish I could elaborate on: seeing the hoards of people already waiting for food when we arrived downtown, numerous Muslims debating about whether the food we gave was halal (acceptable by God to be consumed), and silently snacking on spicy Cheetos with a homeless man and woman who couldn't understand my French. But there was one moment that was seared into my mind. While serving soup at the end of the line, I witnessed an uncomfortable encounter between a ministry volunteer and a homeless man. The man's hands were dripping with hot coffee as he attempted to also balance a bag of non-perishables, three sandwiches wrapped in a paper towel, and a cup of soup. The volunteer noticed his struggle and reached for his sandwiches to try to help him adjust his handful. The man angrily jerked away, spilling more of his coffee and now his soup on his arm. Persistently, the volunteer tried again, only to be met with an audible, angry snarl. At this point, the cup of coffee was mostly empty and the soup cup was close to the same. Patiently, the volunteer moved again to help the man, and this time he relented. Quickly, the sandwiches were tucked into the bag and placed on his shoulder, leaving a free hand for his coffee and a free hand for his cup of soup. The volunteer led the man back to the table to replenish both, and after the man hurriedly scuffled away.

I couldn't stop thinking, "That's me." Like the man, I rigidly cling to what I have and what I know, and become frenzied and annoyed when the familiar is disrupted; when the tangible is threatened. Is that you? This man didn't understand that there was a better way to get his food home, and likewise, I too have refused to consider any better ways to be useful here than the ways I know and prefer. As the volunteer gently tried to help the man fit more, take more, eat more, the man refused the outstretched hand. Why? Was it fear, pride, or impatience? Whatever the reason, he refused to let go and receive what was better. When God tries to rearrange things; when he asks us to let go, He is usually offering us something more and better. What are you clinging to?

For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. Mark 8:35.

Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! Matthew 7:9-11.